Now don’t get me wrong I’m no pro with the ladies (you only have to watch the pilot for Date with the Doc to see that…yes I was the last minute stand in..the things I do for the old Doc..) but I reckon chat up lines suck..

But always willing to give things a go and learn how to meet girls or pull girls to be more blunt I have searched the net for some hot tips.

But instead of giving you the best ones I found. The Doc can give you those. Here are some of the worst chat up lines I came across which are bound to turn a girl off. But you never know and these might get you certain ladies …just be carefull how much you’ve had to drink though as you might regret what you catch…

1.Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let’s go fuck.

3. Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be.

4. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

5. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

6. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

7. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you I’d be coming, too.

8. I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

10. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big-Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

11. Wanna play house? You be the front door and I’ll bang you all night long.

12. If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

13. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

14. If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.

15. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.

16. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

17. Hi, I’m a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

18. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

19. You be the tree, and I’ll wrap you like a Koala.

20. Hi my name is _______. Remember it, cause you’ll be screaming it all night long.

21. I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap B&B.

22. Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I’ll go choo choo.

23. You must be Jelly, cause jam don’t shake like that.

24. The fact that I’m missing my teeth just means that there’s more room for your tongue.

25. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.

Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.

Each day, there are over 120 million sexual intercourse taking place all over the world.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.

There are men in Guam whose job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the 1st time.

Sex burns 360 calories per hour!

Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day.

22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens. In Switzerland and Japan, only 2% did so.

For every ‘normal’ webpage, there are five porn pages.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

Turkeys can reproduce without having sex. It’s called parthenogenesis.
In india it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitue than buy a condom!

When swans go on a date, they’ll put their heads together. Then they stick together for life.

Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!

Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

85% of men who die of heartattacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives.

An adulterous Greek male was sometimes punished by the removal of his pubic hair and the insertion of a large radish into his rectum.

The greatest recorded number of children one mother had was 69 children. Do the math!

The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

25% of women think money makes a man sexier.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Snakes have two sex organs.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don’t.

The average person spends 2 weeks of its life kissing.A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Amazing!! I hope that one day a lady turns around to me and says by heck that was one pig of an orgasm!!

A journo from Metro had gone out and bought a copy of Playbunny or judging by the looks of the older rabbit that the young buck was riding ‘readers pets’ stuck it in the lifestyle section of the paper and rolled out another load of lucid and really interesting sex facts..

“Apparently, sex helps almost everything.!!”

Was statement one..Really.. tell that to a Tibetan Monk currently serving time in one of Beijings finest.. actually it might be the monks get out of jail card and am sure he can ask for forgiveness..

” Statement two …Fear not, in a few weeks, we’ll all be feeling more frisky. Spring improves sex drive; energy levels surge and our pheromones, the chemicals we produce to attract mates, soar.”

So in January I read it was the biggest time for couples splitting and now April is the best time for shagging..people are really just like clockwork…

“How long should sex last?
The best sex should last between seven and 13 minutes, according to a recent report from the American Journal of Sexual Medicine.

However, even three-minute sex is deemed ‘adequate’ – good news for some and bad for others. Anything beyond 13 minutes is considered ‘too long’.”

Do they mean 13 minutes of actual banging? or are they including foreplay? and what speed are they talking about? surely 2 minutes of seriously fast ‘doggy style’ action is better than 13 minutes of cuddling, snuggling, slow grinding I love you sex..

I’m going to let the Doc comment on that..

How often should you have sex?
The question of how often we should do it is often debated.

The majority of 25 to 34-year-olds have sex three to four times a week, according to the most recent Durex Global Sex Survey. For 35 to 44-year-olds, it’s more likely to be twice a week.

Relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam explains: ‘We all know how it works – when you’re new lovers you have sex nearly every time you meet – it’s a hormonal thing.

But after a few years the bonking goes down and the talking goes up. After that, research shows chemicals change. Men, in particular, change.

Once they’ve bonded with a woman and know they can have her, they don’t have the same urgency to have sex.’”

So that’s it? In a nutshell the reason for rising divorce, affairs and people hiring a hitman/woman (we are PC here) to knock off their other half.

So I went from happy innocent rabbit to ‘mate dont bother with a girlfriend or wife the sex will dry out, you’l start to argue (and wont be able to make up through sex anymore), the milkman will call more often (even though they no longer exist), you’ll both start taking up new exciting hobbies like still life painting, dog grooming or gardening ( some men will do this literally..but that’s another story) and maybe if your lucky you’ll get divorced and have a chance to have a few years of happyness all over agaiin before hitting the same cycle again..

Great would rather have continued reading about all the theft’s, torture, drug dealing maniacs, granny porn, child eating dogs….

You can read the full Metro article and see a pic of the happy rabbits here

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Here is Doctor Cockney in action in London’s West End, chatting up some hot chicks and asking them which Billionaire (Richard Branson, Alan Sugar from the Apprentice or Stelios from Easy Jet) they would most like to shag marry or ditch..all I can say its not good for Stelios ..something about fat and looks…also turned out that these three girls work in PR and were responsible for Dressing Amy Winehouse and Lilly Allen for the Brit awards the other week..they likedthe docs tie!! says it all really..if you like the docs tie do let me know..

And here is the Doc coming atcha on the London Underground…nope our doc doesn’t catch a taxi, car or limo because he is eco conscious or loves public transport its because it’s the cheapest way to get around. And as the he likes to say ‘ a penny saved son is a penny towards buying your girl some flowers’…whatever… I reckon its because the price of viagra has gone up and it’s hit him hard (hmmm) where it counts…

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This week here are three interesting facts about Sex on the net!

Fact 1

About one in five of all respondents said that they had gone in for ‘e- mail eroticism’ with a partner. Specifically, we asked people this question: ‘Have you indulged in sex on the Internet – that is, masturbating to orgasm while ”talking” on your keyboard to at least one other person?’ Astoundingly, 26 per cent of males and 15 per cent of females replied ‘Yes’. This is a finding that no sex survey has ever recorded before. It shows that for many people, ’sex on the net’ is now perfectly acceptable. And bear in mind that we’re not talking about looking at pornography on the Internet – we didn’t ask about that

Source the Net Doctor

Here at DR C HQ we view this as healthy for obvious reasons, but advice caution. Computers are electrical aplliances and as such liquids on them could blow a fuse or cause a shock and ultimately you could come to a sticky end..so beware.

DR C Tip – Make sure you have two sets of tissues one for yourself and one for the keyboard.

Fact 2

A third of British girls have filmed a pornographic movie on their mobile phone.
The poll found 34 per cent of women questioned had stripped off in homemade movies, while a whopping 83 per cent admitted indulging in sexy texts.
Cyber sex is also on the rise and experts believe it is linked to the popularity of networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace, with 64 per cent having enjoyed online sex chats on them.Over half the 1,000 females questioned admitted to having text sex, while an outrageous 31 per cent had even indulged in webcam romps.

Victoria White, editor of Company said: “It’s great to see women embracing technology and becoming more confident with their own sex lives.”

Company magazine.

Here at DR C HQ we do agree but advice caution..what goes on the net can stay on the net and it can also appear years later and be rather embarassing..

DR C Tip – Make sure your sending the text to the right person..I know that in one TV company a very prim and proper young lady sent me a text due to go to her boyfriend. It was enlightening to say the least..

Fact 3

Australian women believe that cyber sex constitutes more serious cheating than going to a strip club or watching pornography.A survey of 1,117 internet users showed that people see little difference between virtual and regular relationships.Almost all surfers ranked cyber sex as cheating which, although not as bad as being physically unfaithful, is much worse than watching a stripper or pornography.Most considered cyber sex and “sharing intimate information with others online” as acts of infidelity, and 41 per cent see no difference between online and offline affairs.Women were less likely to see any difference between an online affair and the real thing.However, more than 30 per cent of survey participants confessed to having what they would define as an online affair.The survey concluded that engaging in erotic communications online, while not as threatening as offline sexual encounters, did threaten relationships, even though the people often never met.

Source College of Social and Health Sciences at the University of Western Sydney

Here at DR C HQ we think cheating is cheating so DONT DO IT!!

DR C Tip – If you are going to have a cyber affair make sure you have a clue about the person you are having it with…one married couple of 15 years had each started independly having an online affair. They only realized who they were when they eventually met in the flesh…They split none the less

Come 10AM we were on the streets of Wood Green at work

Come 10:42AM we were still on the streets of Wood Green with a DR C intro to the show and a Go Daddy ad in the bag . No Interviewes yet.

Come 11:30 AM still no interviewes .The fish werent biting..

At 12AM we called it and hopped on the tube to Piccadily Circus

By 1PM we only had one interview in the bag with one young brother and sister team from Slovenia who thought the Doctor was doing a survey for the NHS on tourists views of the British health service. The boy became slightly alarmed when the Doc started asking him if he had ever had sex. The answer in case you’re interested was no. He was a virgin which of course led the Doc to ask him if he masturbated much, which further alarmed him and even more so his sister.. The doc left them in a state of shock and we moved on to..

1:45 Pm Carnaby street and same problem as Wood Green no one wanted to speak.. we decided to can the idea of doing a normal show . The theme was have you ever slept with someone with any offputing habits and have you ever had to tell them that they arent good in bed..

Anyhow we decided to do another Shag Marry Ditch Shoot, as they are slightly easier..This time it was on which Politician would you get it on with the choice..Tony Blair, Davie Cameron and ladies favourite Gordon Brown.. The result ? It seems that the Politicians silver tongues, rugged good looks and high powered status arent a big hit with the ladies of London…

Oh we also had to halt filming half way through as Ira got into a ladies fight with another girl. Apparently something to do with bumping into each other..it ended up with the girl throwing her cup of tea all over Ira and her new boots and not so new coat..quite a scene really..

It was a long day and I got home to find a £960 electricity bill for 3 months..

I think 22 might be the new 13…

The Doc was wondering and asking about sexy clothing and what got these fashionados cloggs dancing. The answers were surprising but you’ll have to wait till next week to see what they were..Have to say from my un cultured view of fashion most of the people were dressed in pretty weird get ups..but hey ho..anyhow they were all pretty surprised by the Doctors line of questioning but his bright and colourful tie drew them in and they felt he was kinda one of them , well something like that, a fashion try hard maybe…he is a cockney after all!

He was rather taken by this lady tough the same cannot be said about her as he asked her about her underwear…

It was a good location though and we got plenty of guests the other good thing was the V and A museum where we stopped off for cake and coffee ( a rare treat but I felt the doc needed a break..as he was about to start going into one of his moans and he really isnt as young as he used to be…he was also rather tired from being UP all night, working on one of his patients apparently)

I’ll let u know when the show is up in the meantime look out for tomorrows first edition of the Shag Marry Ditch show, where he asks what billionaires people would or would not like to get it on with..the choice virgin super boss richard branson, easyjet founder stellios and the apprentice star alan sugar…

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On Tuesday we hit the west end near Soho to get the mini shag marry ditch show shot. It’s a new online computer game, a bit of fun and quite addictive. Anyhow we reckoned filming would take an hour…it took five..

Why? Well firstly people in the West End are just too cool for school, if they see a camera they just turn up their noses. So we got a lot of rejections. Then a good 70% of the people we actually did stop to IV didnt speak hardly any English … on a serious note if anyone knows how many English people are left in London it would be great to know, as out filming every week we get the impression there are hardly any actual Londoners left..the Old DR Cockney is starting to feel like a living relic..

It didn’t help that the Doc hadn’t slept very well and had had a hectic week at the surgery…February is a busy time for people with relationship and sex issues ! So him and long suffering production manager Ira were at each others throats..well the the doc was at hers…bellowing away when ever he got the opportunity..

‘Why did u choose this location’

“Get out of the way Ira’

‘I’ll choose the guests’

“I’m hungry’

‘My heads cold’

I would go on but I think you get the idea.. they do love each other really I’m sure..and its entertaining to listen to..

Anyhow got to prepare for tomorrows shoot its at London Fashion Week.

I’ll let u know how that goes and when the Shag Marry Ditch show is up

Hope you all get some valentines day loving!!

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He’s back on form and we are actually off on another shoot today. The theme is in line with the new Shag, Marry or Ditch game that the Doc is launching this week. I’ll let you know when its up..

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