I felt like a pretty awesome Dad- saving money, making sure my daughter was happy, and our parrot was satisfied. I’m excited for the treat to come in the mail. I can’t wait to see my daughter’s face when she sees our parrot’s reaction to the new honey bar. Polly want a honey bar?

He recommended I try out eHarmony.com, he told me it was a solid site. I checked it out and it looks great, I’m just glad I have these eHarmony.com promotional code to save me money finding my match. Go to the site and enter your information; after that make sure to enter these codes to save additional money.

I strongly believe that this is the next way consumers will date; I’m glad I found out about it early. Thanks for putting me onto it “guy on the flight from Italy to California”! ha

We here have been presented a great voucher from eHarmony.com. Deemed as the #1 trusted relationship site on the web, eHarmony does the matching for you. They have a unique matching system that analyzes your personality and habits and then spits out your matches. The voucher code we have is for one FREE month when you pen for a 3 month subscription at eHarmony. Do yourself and all of us a favor and get going! Check out the eHarmony promotional code.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m no pro with the ladies (you only have to watch the pilot for Date with the Doc to see that…yes I was the last minute stand in..the things I do for the old Doc..) but I reckon chat up lines suck..

But always willing to give things a go and learn how to meet girls or pull girls to be more blunt I have searched the net for some hot tips.

But instead of giving you the best ones I found. The Doc can give you those. Here are some of the worst chat up lines I came across which are bound to turn a girl off. But you never know and these might get you certain ladies …just be carefull how much you’ve had to drink though as you might regret what you catch…

1.Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let’s go fuck.

3. Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be.

4. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

5. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

6. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

7. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you I’d be coming, too.

8. I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

10. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big-Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

11. Wanna play house? You be the front door and I’ll bang you all night long.

12. If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

13. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

14. If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.

15. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.

16. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

17. Hi, I’m a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

18. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

19. You be the tree, and I’ll wrap you like a Koala.

20. Hi my name is _______. Remember it, cause you’ll be screaming it all night long.

21. I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap B&B.

22. Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I’ll go choo choo.

23. You must be Jelly, cause jam don’t shake like that.

24. The fact that I’m missing my teeth just means that there’s more room for your tongue.

25. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.

Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.

Each day, there are over 120 million sexual intercourse taking place all over the world.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.

There are men in Guam whose job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the 1st time.

Sex burns 360 calories per hour!

Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day.

22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens. In Switzerland and Japan, only 2% did so.

For every ‘normal’ webpage, there are five porn pages.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

Turkeys can reproduce without having sex. It’s called parthenogenesis.
In india it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitue than buy a condom!

When swans go on a date, they’ll put their heads together. Then they stick together for life.

Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!

Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

85% of men who die of heartattacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives.

An adulterous Greek male was sometimes punished by the removal of his pubic hair and the insertion of a large radish into his rectum.

The greatest recorded number of children one mother had was 69 children. Do the math!

The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

25% of women think money makes a man sexier.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Snakes have two sex organs.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don’t.

The average person spends 2 weeks of its life kissing.A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Amazing!! I hope that one day a lady turns around to me and says by heck that was one pig of an orgasm!!

This week the Doctor is in Carnaby Street and finds out which sex reads body language best, what are the signs and when to use it.

This week The Doc meets a couple of page 3 girls Sam Cooke and Vikki Blows, at the launch of the new Sun Crossword Challenge game for the Nintendo DS at Victoria station. It gives him an idea and leads him to ask people all about sexy words!!
The Sun Crossword Challenge is a great game and you can find out more about it on the Sun Crossword Challenge official web site – and you can win a copy on Gamesweasel episode 45 on the competitions page.

My advice is if you want to be as full proof as possible try and gage as many signals as possible.

The well known signs are eye contact (including looking away and looking back, watch out though if they do this consistently it may just be a nervous twitch), smiling (beware of sympathy smiles though they are the complete opposite!!), pays you here full attention (unless your a teacher of some sort then she is probably just trying to learn from you so keep it professional), is tactile (again judge the circumstances ..if she is fitting you in a suit she is going to need to touch you! ), teasing or being sarcastic to you (especially true of shyer girls) but again  a pure insult such as ‘f off you smelly, short , pissed , lecherous looser” probably means she isnt interested .. But conversely they could still be interested if they ignore you!! yes they could be waiting to see if you are interested and also if you have the balls to make a move..

Yes women are complicated and there are hundreds of books out there on the subject (and I will have a chapter on it in my forthcoming book). But my take on it is this. If you see a girl you fancy make a move..end of..(how many girls have I interviewed and loads of stunners too who say a) they would never make the first move and b) most guys don’t make the move.. As they say you’ve got to be in it to win it. So if you get any of the tell tell signals and even if you don’t and just pass a girl on the street and think core I’d love a bit of that..do something about it..ask for her number or out for a drink. But don’t be sleazy about it saying what nice knockers they are or how slappable  her rear end is that generally doesn’t go down well (but in some places it might it all depends..) oh and do take no for an answer .. 97% of girls will be flattered.. the other 3% well..anything could happen..

My friends say I’m really bad at telling if a girl is flirting with me..they reckon I miss out on loads of pulling opportunities as a result. My question is how can I tell if a girl is flirting?

Thanks

M

This week The Doc investigates the shag buddy, booty call phenomenon. You know friends with added benefits – it’s a funny one so don’t miss it!

Doctor Cockney finds out if anyone has a minute to spare to help him find out how long should foreplay last. A really useful public information film for the ladies, but if you’re a guy then you probably won’t care what foreplay is. More sex questions over at http://doctorcockney.podshow.com .

The Doc tries to get in touch with his holistic side and inner self this week as he visits the London Vitality Show. Why? Well he wants to know what the secret is to good health and if it involves sex at all – does magnotherapy make you more attractive, can anti aging cream be used a lubricant and does been muscular make you firmer in all areas? these are just some of the things the good ol Doc finds out. It’s a funny one so don’t miss it!

Its a mean world and these ladies are even meaner..

Thanks for the question? In a word you are quite quick BUT don’t be disheartened… She hasn’t complained ! which probably means she’s getting a proper rogering on the side and is hiding it from you quite well!! or from another view point she cares enough about you to stay with you despite your trigger happy piston..

There are a number of things you can do to stop you …….. too early and I’ll be covering them in a future blog. In the meantime, try the old tested method of waxing your shuttle half an hour before your due to have it off..it will make you last longer second time aorund..

Oh and in answer to how quick is too quick it depends..if your girl is shuddering her socks off before you do..then no your not too quick…so spend more time on foreplay!!

And on the upside your on the right track of thinking of it in strokes..just aim one higher each time..so go for 21 next time your on the job and so on..it really does help in two ways ..take your mind away from the banging and gives you a goal to achieve..

Anom

It was a funny shoot really. The doc went tie shopping in Harrods, bought one put it on and then as soon as we got out some of the local ladies made a bee line to him and he was away..within a couple of hours we had a show!!

A journo from Metro had gone out and bought a copy of Playbunny or judging by the looks of the older rabbit that the young buck was riding ‘readers pets’ stuck it in the lifestyle section of the paper and rolled out another load of lucid and really interesting sex facts..

“Apparently, sex helps almost everything.!!”

Was statement one..Really.. tell that to a Tibetan Monk currently serving time in one of Beijings finest.. actually it might be the monks get out of jail card and am sure he can ask for forgiveness..

” Statement two …Fear not, in a few weeks, we’ll all be feeling more frisky. Spring improves sex drive; energy levels surge and our pheromones, the chemicals we produce to attract mates, soar.”

So in January I read it was the biggest time for couples splitting and now April is the best time for shagging..people are really just like clockwork…

“How long should sex last?
The best sex should last between seven and 13 minutes, according to a recent report from the American Journal of Sexual Medicine.

However, even three-minute sex is deemed ‘adequate’ – good news for some and bad for others. Anything beyond 13 minutes is considered ‘too long’.”

Do they mean 13 minutes of actual banging? or are they including foreplay? and what speed are they talking about? surely 2 minutes of seriously fast ‘doggy style’ action is better than 13 minutes of cuddling, snuggling, slow grinding I love you sex..

I’m going to let the Doc comment on that..

How often should you have sex?
The question of how often we should do it is often debated.

The majority of 25 to 34-year-olds have sex three to four times a week, according to the most recent Durex Global Sex Survey. For 35 to 44-year-olds, it’s more likely to be twice a week.

Relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam explains: ‘We all know how it works – when you’re new lovers you have sex nearly every time you meet – it’s a hormonal thing.

But after a few years the bonking goes down and the talking goes up. After that, research shows chemicals change. Men, in particular, change.

Once they’ve bonded with a woman and know they can have her, they don’t have the same urgency to have sex.’”

So that’s it? In a nutshell the reason for rising divorce, affairs and people hiring a hitman/woman (we are PC here) to knock off their other half.

So I went from happy innocent rabbit to ‘mate dont bother with a girlfriend or wife the sex will dry out, you’l start to argue (and wont be able to make up through sex anymore), the milkman will call more often (even though they no longer exist), you’ll both start taking up new exciting hobbies like still life painting, dog grooming or gardening ( some men will do this literally..but that’s another story) and maybe if your lucky you’ll get divorced and have a chance to have a few years of happyness all over agaiin before hitting the same cycle again..

Great would rather have continued reading about all the theft’s, torture, drug dealing maniacs, granny porn, child eating dogs….

You can read the full Metro article and see a pic of the happy rabbits here

Filmekanik

International sex therapist Dr Cockney is playing SMD again this week. That’s Shag Marry Ditch if you haven’t seen the previous Billionaires one and this time he’s asking people which famous female singer they would most like to Shag Marry or Ditch..the choice Lilly Allen, Amy Winehouse or Beth Ditto. Want to know the answer well watch the show to find out. And don’t forget you can play your own version of the game of the shagmarryditch.co.uk website.

A famous pop group once sang “It only takes a minute girl”, but how long do you think foreplay should last? Doctor Cockney stalks the people of London to see if they can spare a couple of seconds to talk about their sex lives. But how long should it take? Should you even bother? Drop us a comment on the blog to let us know how long you dordle around for before getting down to business.

Dr Cockney has got all romantic this week. Love is in the air and he saw a couple getting married at the weekend, reminded him of his youth and his first love.. Big Bouncing Dave’sigh’ Last Friday was the 29th Of February making it a leap year, which means a girl can propose to a guy !! So the intrepid sexpert hit the streets to find out if any ladies were about to go down and propose (of course) on one knee. Sure enough he met a girl who had proposed that very morning..but there is a condition on her other half saying yes..she has to pay for the wedding..the doc is straight in with some words of wisdom…Leap years will never be the same.

Here is Doctor Cockney in action in London’s West End, chatting up some hot chicks and asking them which Billionaire (Richard Branson, Alan Sugar from the Apprentice or Stelios from Easy Jet) they would most like to shag marry or ditch..all I can say its not good for Stelios ..something about fat and looks…also turned out that these three girls work in PR and were responsible for Dressing Amy Winehouse and Lilly Allen for the Brit awards the other week..they likedthe docs tie!! says it all really..if you like the docs tie do let me know..

And here is the Doc coming atcha on the London Underground…nope our doc doesn’t catch a taxi, car or limo because he is eco conscious or loves public transport its because it’s the cheapest way to get around. And as the he likes to say ‘ a penny saved son is a penny towards buying your girl some flowers’…whatever… I reckon its because the price of viagra has gone up and it’s hit him hard (hmmm) where it counts…

Filmekanik